Well, to cut a long story short, the bone scan was clear.
Funny, how three whole months of pain, worry and hiding my true fears and feelings from pretty much THE WORLD can be erased with the simple words "the bone scan was clear".
Over Christmas I came to terms with the fact that I've been married, had and lost children, got divorced. I've travelled, I've dabbled in things I shouldn't. I thought, yeah, I'm ready for it I don't think there's that much to look forward to any more, all the attempts at dragging myself out of clinical depression without drugs - I won't have to bother any more. If it's cancer in my bones I'll have that to take my mind off everything.
My son still refuses to have anything to do with me after almost a year and I can't help thinking my daughter won't really miss me either. It would be a right royal pain since she's nowhere else to live and I didn't really want to mess up her last year of school with a Stage 4 diagnosis.
New Year I was planning how I could get the whole house decorated before I was incapacitated again, so that I could get a decent price when I had to sell it.
I'd rewritten my will in my head.
Of course that's all academic now, because - the scan was clear.
The swelling is still there. What is it? The oncologist thinks I injured myself somehow and the cartilage at the end of the rib is inflamed. I'm taking ibuprofen for a week now to see if that makes it go away, or I can go back to see onco and they'll ask radiology about doing bigger x-rays or different scans.
I'm taking the NSAIDs - but I don't think I'll go back. If it was anything nasty I reckon it would have shown up on the chest x-ray, even if it's not in any bone.
So now I have to get on with life again, but it's a bit chuffing difficult when I don't know where to start? Every time I start again I get some kind of cancer scare, or some other crisis that knocks me off track and rekindles old traumas.
I just feel like there are so many others who deserve what I appear to have (remission for 19 months and counting) and I don't know what to do with it now I have it. I've spent over two years living and breathing cancer and now it's gone I don't know what to do, I don't feel like I have a purpose. I'm not really much of a mother any more, I enjoy being at work much more than I enjoy being at home. I'm hoping the inspiration for a "rest of my life plan" will arrive at some point very soon.
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