2008 Jan 19th - New Year, New Surgery!

19 Jan 2008

Where did the last month go? Category: Life Blimey, I knew I'd not been posting much lately but it's nigh on a whole month ago! So........what's been happening. Well Christmas was.......how can I put this....painful. Emotional. Glad it's over. I stupidly expected that after the last couple of years this one was the one I deserved and that everyone would be happy and it would be great. WRONG. I'll never learn, always build it up to something that it can never be. New Year's Eve was better (see photos) but by 'eck did those tears make themseslves known come midnight. I got through Auld Lang Syne and that was it, flood gates opened. Yes I do hope I have a great year, but I know that there is no magic wand that gets waved at the stroke of midnight to wipe all the fear and worry and current family troubles away. I'm being a bit grumpy about it, actually the night was great. I was with people who cared about me and who I care about and I ate too much and drank even more, even managed to throw a few shapes on the dancefloor. This was despite the horrid painful feet and toes (yeah cheers for that chemo). I only managed one song at a time then had to sit down for two or three, but alcohol did numb it a fair bit. Good old G&T eh? So this year is the final stage of treatment, hopefully. Always with the hopefully, nothing is ever concrete is it? Last week I saw my life saving surgeon who said how much better I was looking and what a difference he could see in me (yeah finishing chemo, amazing what it does for you). He's on hols in March so it was either third week in March......or third week in Feb............no brainer! Surgery is now booked for 22nd February. I don't have to go in the night before and be stabbed to death or starved first, just roll up mid morning and then a short five day stay. He went through the usual risks involved and possible complications and that he may need to open up the whole ten inch wound again if there is scar tissue or adhesions but otherwise, just a two inch scar. I can't wait..........oh hang on........then I get so sit on the loo for hours at a time and my radiated butt already suffers when it's having a clear out of mucous from my colon. Lord knows what sort of pain I'm in for with diarrhoea. I've seen and felt the pain of macerated skin on my tummy (only yesterday in fact) with diarrhoea from my stoma. Eek. Still, means to an end and all that. I'm being spurred on by the upcoming joy of being able to wear anything I want and not worry about leaks all down my front. Faerie, I'm thinking visit to Mancland and a shopping frenzy, what do you reckon? At least I can "nappy up" down there and it's a bit less obvious than a swelling bag when I've eaten onions or been drinking anything fizzy. I'm doing pelvic floor excercises as I write. Less than five weeks to go now! I have a huge stock of skin barrier wipes which I'm hoping will make things a little more bearable. I saw my GP this week and got another type of anti-depressant to add to my rattling stock of drugs. I'm on SSRIs for depression and now tricyclics which he hopes will stop me feeling the pain of the nerve damage which HOPEFULLY (that bloody word again) will be cured by the Pyridoxine. Oh and I confessed he was right about the HRT, I'm doing great on it. I don't know if it's finishing chemo or the HRT or a combination of the two but my hair has gone from straw to soft and silky feeling again. I still have patches of what looks like cradle cap but I can live with that. The only problem being that when I scratch it, because the ends of my fingers are dead as dodos I scratch harder and make it bleed. I've discovered just how damaged my nether regions are by the evil radiation (I say evil, I know it shrunk the tumours and I know it may have prevented a recurrence but by god it's a price to pay). Again there is hope that it may improve, but no guarantees. I saw the Lone Ranger too, my 6 week post chemo check up. Discussed the nerve damage, yeah yeah, hopefully it will be gone, may take a year.........yadda yadda. I'm to have a CEA test (oh and FBC, Us and Es too obviously) every three months and see them for results every three months for the first year, then every six months...........til I get cancer again........doh I mean til I'm five years clear! I told him about the surgery and he was surprised no one has already arranged a scan (they don't really want me having surgery only to find out later I have more cancer and have to go through the whole sorry process again) so he's trying to rush one through in the next three weeks or so. Trying not to think about that. I've been pushing myself a bit too much I think, visiting friends and family all over the country.......well the furthest was Derby but it's a long way for me! I'm now laid up in bed feeling shattered with a thick foggy head, sore and glandy throat and aches and pains. Of course it could just be dehydration, my tongue is constantly cracked like a dry riverbed and I know I'm not drinking enough, I just forget now I'm busy flitting about here there and everywhere. So bed it is this weekend, no visits or visitors, just me and the Skittles curled up in bed (on the bed in his case on the proviso he does NOT wee on it again EVER). Has any one else fallen in to the "yeay chemo is over, lets try and do all the things we couldn't do the last six months all in a few days" trap? Yesterday I went, with Umpa, to have a tour of the local gym with a view to joining for some kind of social life and for me to build up my fitness again, before and after surgery. I was knackered, my throat was sore, I ached and felt lousy but pushed myself (and the poor Umpa) to visit DIY stores YET again to look at lighting for the living room and then went back later to buy some. Why? I've not even got the living room ceiling paper off yet, it's months away from being ready for the lights to be changed but because I CAN I wanted to do it. I'd have been so much better off in bed, resting. Better late than never, I'm off for a snooze now, nanight xxxx

2006 Dec 27th - Happy Christmas

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Happy Christmas Current mood: tired Category: Life Well tomorrow is computerised (axial) tomogrophy day for me! I get to lie down for a while at least, hope my belly doesn't rumble too loudly though apparently the scanner is pretty damn noisy anyway. Christmas was alright as it goes, despite worrying about possibly feeling all maudlin I feel surprisingly chipper! Maybe it's because I've had my crying time and Tyson (as I've just christened it - meaning explosive or hight spirited according to a couple of websites and having fighting connections seemed apt) has been behaving himself lately, well sort of, in that I'm not living in the loo, but have been in a lot of discomfort.......couldn't sleep a couple of nights this week didn't seem to matter what position I lay in. Also managed to end up getting drunk on Christmas day and blubbing very briefly because I don't want my mum to end up looking after me. She's just retired and it's not fair, she looked after Jack for long enough and although she never complained, it took it out of her. It's her time now and I WON'T be a burden, mind you I'll still pop round for tea and lunch on a Saturday , she likes feeding people, honest! But then I don't want my little umpalumpa (you know who you are B) doing it either, though if the housework gets on top of me Who'm I Gonna Call? Have managed to recruit two more volunteers to accompany me on hospital trips! I wasn't even trying, maybe I'm not such a whiny witch after all or maybe people see through my armour plating, damn, "note to self" must try harder to appear grumpy! Starting four month secondment when I go back to work on 2nd Jan, a week before I get my diagnosis - well I bloody hope that's what I'll get I can't wait any longer, it'll have been four weeks and that's four too many. I won't find anything out tomorrow, just the scan, the results have to be studied and written up by a professional chappy and usually results take two weeks anyway but I'm guessing mine might be a bit quicker considering what they're looking for. "Hotspots" I believe they're referred to, and what is a hotspot not? That's right audience, NOT a goodspot. Of course, this is all academic, the back pain that started two weeks before all this at the beginning of October may NOT be because of the pressure of Tyson leaning his fat ass against my spine, I might be feeling shit because I'm sitting around doing naff all, plus it's winter. Maybe I imagined the tiredness, or really it's gone now. Perhaps it's all psychosomatic? Obviously Tyson is real, I've seen his ugliness on the big screen, the blood and yak are real and my bloated belly ( no I'm not five months preggers actually) are defo real! Time is weird, half the time I think I'm imagining symptoms and then a doctor or hospital appointment just confirms something more and I think, no this is really happening. Saying a little prayer that Tyson is an only child and hasn't got bits of him floating around looking for anywhere else to set up home. Cancer is a bastard isn't it? You should go to Macmillan website and read some of the blogs on We Talk About Cancer discussion forums. Young people getting "old people's" cancers, I defy you to read the stories and not cry, Neil is the best though he was 26 when he was diagnosed with bowel cancer and had his insides chopped about, beating the odds of getting it in the first place he's nearly there beating the disease. Apparently it's rare to get colorectal cancer under the age of 40. It takes 3 to 7 years for a polyp/tumour to grow to one centimetre. I'm guessing I've been growing this little "shit" for anything up to twenty maybe since I had the kids? 2007 is going to be different I feel. Hope yours is good different. 7:04 - 7 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

	janey jane jane	I know i'm not LOCAL, but I can whip round with a hoover like a maniac! Anytime. xx Posted by janey jane jane on Wednesday, December 27, 2006 at 09:03 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala	Cheers Jane! I'm considering this training for Karys, not sure how she'll feel about it - I'll just tell her she needs more practice at housework so she can make a really good wife one day PMSL. Cos we all know men stay with you if you know how to clean don't they? Maybe I'll start her on cleaning the toilets............ Posted by Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala on Wednesday, December 27, 2006 at 12:07 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Billy Bollockchops	It's really good to hear you're not feeling too bad at the mo. I did notice the lack of poo-stories recently but I just assumed that the novelty must've finally worn off. Thanks for helping to keep my problems in perspective this year... And for laughing at the tales of the other women in my life and at some of my jokes. Thanks for the advice on women, and for not laughing when it all went wrong!!! I'm not sure how often I'll be able to make it over to yours if you need a hand. You can guarantee I'll be there for your weekly bed-bath though. Posted by Billy Bollockchops on Wednesday, December 27, 2006 at 11:55 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala	Problems? Oh sorry did you have a problem? Isn't it all about ME? Tell you what if it's necessary I'll let you change my colostomy bag that'll be much quicker than a bed bath and very very important. I never noticed how big your nose was until I saw that picture. Posted by Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala on Wednesday, December 27, 2006 at 12:15 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Billy Bollockchops	Sorryyyyyyyyyyy!!! Yeah, I'll change it....for a hoover bag. That'll teach you to make fun of my nose! *sulks* Posted by Billy Bollockchops on Wednesday, December 27, 2006 at 12:39 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Umpalumpa	I never did like that pigging horrible boxer, lets knock him out good and proper Posted by Umpalumpa on Wednesday, December 27, 2006 at 18:38 [Remove] [Reply to this]

Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala

So long as you keep your fists to yourself and are speaking metaphorically oof! Maybe Chris Eubank would have been more appropriate, he's sthtewpid

2006 December 18th

Friends are everything.
Current mood: chipper

Well it's amazing what a few mates can do for you mood and general wellbeing isn't it? Had 3 friends round last night for curry, beer and a giggle, plus tormenting teenage girls by hounding them with questions about ESS EEE EX. How to clear a room!

I forgot I was even ill for the night, until 11.30 when I went to the loo, but hey this is better than the trots!

Actually discussed it as Cancer today with mum like we were talking about having the hedge cut or something, slightly surreal, but also a relief to say it out loud, I've decided that's what it is and until they tell me otherwise I'm preparing to deal with that next year.

	Well, it was fab! I can't wait to do it again. Trust Crimbo to get in the way. As for the phrase "the C-word", I think it's much more useful as a way of describing some of your ex's rather than using it to pussyfoot around the name of a disease. Posted by Billy Bollockchops on Sunday, December 17, 2006 at 22:26

Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala

Oi div you can't spell exes. Tut. Posted by Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala on Monday, December 18, 2006 at 19:31

18 Dec 2006

Back to Work. Current mood: calm Realised this morning that having skived off to attend hospital as a day case on Thursday and attending the Emap Christmas lunch in London on Friday none of my workmates know what I know now! I was doing OK til Race For Life (I ran earlier this year and ruined my big toenails in memory of Junie who died almost a year ago) , then the company electronic email (money not spent on paper going to Cancer charities in memory of those we have lost at work). Fighting back the tears when Katie asked how I was and how I got on last week. time for a trip to the kitchen for tea! Ended up sobbing on her shoulder as Race for Life hope to see me there next year, SO DO I! Kate (another one) asked if I was still poorly (she's been in Australia for two months), yes Kate I'm still poorly. But it's not all doom and gloom I have decided to have a mohican again if I ever lose my hair (v unlikely) or henna tattoos on my pate!! Wicked! I'm tempted to have Up Your Bum Cancer! tattood on my head anyway but I might regret it......... Just a quick thank you so far to Angela,Hannah, Hayley, Lesley and Pob for laughing at my death jokes, bloody poo stories and generally enquiring as to the well being of my arse! Angela is determined I will NOT GET ILL as she's about to become my line manager again despite having three years off! But the nurse said to take it easy and work isn't that important Angela.........so ........? OK OK I'll do the KPIs. Tut. My stomach is bloated as soon as I eat the smallest thing, I look four months pregnant. So far I've not actually broken wind in the office but managed to get to the loo, but that's more fear of following through with runny stuff and blood than anything else. Had rotten back ache all day again, it improved after I "went" on Saturday and I only did three poo trips today! Is that normal? I'm sure I used to go every, or every other day just the once! Those days seem well behind me now - pmsl! "behind". Oh and special award for good mate in time of crisis goes to ........Pob for making the bestest lemon drizzle cake EVER and not complaining once despite enduring me showing him images of polyps, cancerous tumours and general nasties in other peoples insides. Also for the stash of booze he left behind and pointing out if I have even slightly invasive T1 or higher I can claim off my critical illness and endowment policies yeay. Shame I didn't increase my cover when I changed my mortgage! I'm such a thickie.

Billy Bollockchops

I didn't just leave the booze behind, it was a present!

The polyps was interesting though, I'm not squeamish. You know me, I'd have been there with you if you'd have let me.

And don't try and pretend you're not secretly excited about having a mohican and having most of your mortgage paid off! tut tut etc.

Posted by Billy Bollockchops on Monday, December 18, 2006 at 21:15

2006 December 16th

THE BIOPSY!

OH eck!

Saw my little mate on the big screen on Thursday night, if that's just a harmless polyp I'm the Queen. Surgeon told me to "enjoy christmas with your family and we'll talk in the new year".

Lost my composure after he'd gone and blubbed on the nurse. I told her I know what it is, or I'm pretty sure. But that if it's cancer, bowel cancer is at least very curable.

I expected her to say, "well I know you may think that but until the biopsy results come back we won't know". She didn't, she said they can do a lot these days. I asked for some advice on coping with diarrhoea, which she gave me. Also told me to enjoy christmas and concentrate on that and take it easy, work and money aren't that important, though she knows I have to make more since I'm on my own. She was lovely. Everyone else got tea and biccies but as I'd been nil by mouth since breakfast and was a bit wobbly I got toast and jam!!

I now appear to be constipated, great! Since the enema on Thursday I've not been

2006 October 25th

Finally got round to getting my hair cut today, it's been almost 6 months since I spent £90 quid on a colour and cut for big sis's 40th party! Might get it cut again at Christmas.

Not looking forward to another single Christmas after last year's misery but there you go, it didn't work out with Scott and he's running off to join the foreign legion ( I kid you not) it's not as far as Thailand but just as anonymous.