2008 Jan 19th - New Year, New Surgery!

19 Jan 2008

Where did the last month go? Category: Life Blimey, I knew I'd not been posting much lately but it's nigh on a whole month ago! So........what's been happening. Well Christmas was.......how can I put this....painful. Emotional. Glad it's over. I stupidly expected that after the last couple of years this one was the one I deserved and that everyone would be happy and it would be great. WRONG. I'll never learn, always build it up to something that it can never be. New Year's Eve was better (see photos) but by 'eck did those tears make themseslves known come midnight. I got through Auld Lang Syne and that was it, flood gates opened. Yes I do hope I have a great year, but I know that there is no magic wand that gets waved at the stroke of midnight to wipe all the fear and worry and current family troubles away. I'm being a bit grumpy about it, actually the night was great. I was with people who cared about me and who I care about and I ate too much and drank even more, even managed to throw a few shapes on the dancefloor. This was despite the horrid painful feet and toes (yeah cheers for that chemo). I only managed one song at a time then had to sit down for two or three, but alcohol did numb it a fair bit. Good old G&T eh? So this year is the final stage of treatment, hopefully. Always with the hopefully, nothing is ever concrete is it? Last week I saw my life saving surgeon who said how much better I was looking and what a difference he could see in me (yeah finishing chemo, amazing what it does for you). He's on hols in March so it was either third week in March......or third week in Feb............no brainer! Surgery is now booked for 22nd February. I don't have to go in the night before and be stabbed to death or starved first, just roll up mid morning and then a short five day stay. He went through the usual risks involved and possible complications and that he may need to open up the whole ten inch wound again if there is scar tissue or adhesions but otherwise, just a two inch scar. I can't wait..........oh hang on........then I get so sit on the loo for hours at a time and my radiated butt already suffers when it's having a clear out of mucous from my colon. Lord knows what sort of pain I'm in for with diarrhoea. I've seen and felt the pain of macerated skin on my tummy (only yesterday in fact) with diarrhoea from my stoma. Eek. Still, means to an end and all that. I'm being spurred on by the upcoming joy of being able to wear anything I want and not worry about leaks all down my front. Faerie, I'm thinking visit to Mancland and a shopping frenzy, what do you reckon? At least I can "nappy up" down there and it's a bit less obvious than a swelling bag when I've eaten onions or been drinking anything fizzy. I'm doing pelvic floor excercises as I write. Less than five weeks to go now! I have a huge stock of skin barrier wipes which I'm hoping will make things a little more bearable. I saw my GP this week and got another type of anti-depressant to add to my rattling stock of drugs. I'm on SSRIs for depression and now tricyclics which he hopes will stop me feeling the pain of the nerve damage which HOPEFULLY (that bloody word again) will be cured by the Pyridoxine. Oh and I confessed he was right about the HRT, I'm doing great on it. I don't know if it's finishing chemo or the HRT or a combination of the two but my hair has gone from straw to soft and silky feeling again. I still have patches of what looks like cradle cap but I can live with that. The only problem being that when I scratch it, because the ends of my fingers are dead as dodos I scratch harder and make it bleed. I've discovered just how damaged my nether regions are by the evil radiation (I say evil, I know it shrunk the tumours and I know it may have prevented a recurrence but by god it's a price to pay). Again there is hope that it may improve, but no guarantees. I saw the Lone Ranger too, my 6 week post chemo check up. Discussed the nerve damage, yeah yeah, hopefully it will be gone, may take a year.........yadda yadda. I'm to have a CEA test (oh and FBC, Us and Es too obviously) every three months and see them for results every three months for the first year, then every six months...........til I get cancer again........doh I mean til I'm five years clear! I told him about the surgery and he was surprised no one has already arranged a scan (they don't really want me having surgery only to find out later I have more cancer and have to go through the whole sorry process again) so he's trying to rush one through in the next three weeks or so. Trying not to think about that. I've been pushing myself a bit too much I think, visiting friends and family all over the country.......well the furthest was Derby but it's a long way for me! I'm now laid up in bed feeling shattered with a thick foggy head, sore and glandy throat and aches and pains. Of course it could just be dehydration, my tongue is constantly cracked like a dry riverbed and I know I'm not drinking enough, I just forget now I'm busy flitting about here there and everywhere. So bed it is this weekend, no visits or visitors, just me and the Skittles curled up in bed (on the bed in his case on the proviso he does NOT wee on it again EVER). Has any one else fallen in to the "yeay chemo is over, lets try and do all the things we couldn't do the last six months all in a few days" trap? Yesterday I went, with Umpa, to have a tour of the local gym with a view to joining for some kind of social life and for me to build up my fitness again, before and after surgery. I was knackered, my throat was sore, I ached and felt lousy but pushed myself (and the poor Umpa) to visit DIY stores YET again to look at lighting for the living room and then went back later to buy some. Why? I've not even got the living room ceiling paper off yet, it's months away from being ready for the lights to be changed but because I CAN I wanted to do it. I'd have been so much better off in bed, resting. Better late than never, I'm off for a snooze now, nanight xxxx