Saturday, 19 January 2008

2007 Jan 6th - Scared

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Today is a BAD day
Current mood: scared
Category: Life

I've been posting more detailed stuff on the Macmillan blogs but thought it was time to add some here. I'm so relieved that due to my new temp change in job I no longer have to make weekly trips to London from Peterborough because there have been mornings when, like others have retold I could have just not been near enough to a toilet when the diarrhoea and bleeding and mucous have been relentless. How would I have coped if that had happened on a crowded train? I made the decision not to travel for a month which luckily no-one questioned. It's been my biggest physical worry so far - luckily my office is approx 7 yards from a toilet across a narrow landing and repeated visits only minutes apart in a morning are taken for me "popping next door" or "fetching a coffee (on way back". I only seem to get the runs a couple of weeks at a time then Tyson just throws random patterns at me sometimes meaning no sleep sometimes making me forget - no stool = no blood or mucus. It's the trips that I think are just to pass noisy wind then turn out to be just liquid - invariably mostly bloody mucus and nothing substantial. I can't even fart now for fear of bleeding!

As a woman though there are sanitary products to help I doubt they could cope with a full on "explosion" but it's security of a sort - and easily available.

Tyson is a sessile (not on a stalk - those are pedunculated) tumour spreading round approx half the circumference of the rectum - at 15cm - not far from where it joins the colon. In size I couldn't say but it must be over 2cm and as it's covering over a third of the circumference it seems very unlikely that local excision (using a heated snare to burn off bits at a time until it's all gone) is not an option. This means an op - taking a section of my rectum and colon away, joining them up and while they heal diverting my "poo" into a temporary colostomy bag. The surface has a bobbly appearance - but the lumps are under the surface and are yellowy coloured, with the outer edges being smoother and just pink and fleshy. I'm thinking this is not good, it looks wrong and sickly in every sense, it's nothing like the neat cherry like polyp I was expecting but I found watching the sigmoidoscopy absolutely fascinating - the image is burned onto the back of my brain - for visualising and imagining shrinking - mind over matter?

I'm concentrating on staying emotionally and physically as well as I can but I'm positive I'll be needing more support after Tuesday - I need to talk things through with my kids either way, they've been given as much detail as they've asked for but the word Cancer has never been used, only tumour. I've noted down the youthline email and phone numbers for them but right now my concern is my daughter who lives with me, I WILL not leave her and have her life affected by me not being around. Her father only sees her 2 hours a week now, refuses to have her stay over (witch girlfriend - ex friend of mine) so in the back of my mind is where she should live IF. This is the first time I've made that thought real by writing it down, but I'm sure it's what crosses every single parent's mind with a potentially serious health issue.

I'm sorry for those of you reading this who may be upset by this posting but mostly I've been pretty jovial and flippant - that's my way of coping, if I make it easier for everyone else it's not in my face and can be put to the back of my mind more. But I am scared, for my little girl more than anything. I'm on a bit of a downer this morning I guess with the diagnosis looming. She's still being a bit of a "kevin" grunting and sulky in the mornings and locked to msn or in her room any other time but she's not THAT bad. And what about my little boy? What if he goes off the rails because I'm not here. It's all academic obviously because I will be here, I'm going nowhere but that's what goes through my head when I can't sleep at night and there's no-one here to tell me it's going to be OK.

Maybe I should double the dose of the anti-depressants like the Doc suggested - on top of the usual long term depression I get SAD too. Fantabulous! God what if they don't mix with other "therapies"?

I don't think I actually want to talk about any of this out loud, but I do want a record of how I'm feeling, to read later, to help others, to tell everyone how I really feel without wasting time with friends and family crying all the time.

Sorry for babbling, fingers got carried away - heating isn't on and typing keeps the circulation going in my hands at least.


19:30 - 4 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove


If you do decide you want to talk about this in person then just pick up the phone and text or call me. I'm a stone throw away and can pick choccy's and wine up on the way!!!!

I'm really pleased you are happier with the new position at work, that must be such a relief.

Always here - please don't forget that xxxxxxxxxxxx

Posted by Umpalumpa on Saturday, January 06, 2007 at 19:12
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Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala

I know lovey, sometimes it's just easier to type than talk, it's never inconvenient and the laptop is never in the middle of anything else (if it was I'd slap it's sexy qosmio ass)! How is the hair, I'm almost scared to ask...........

Posted by Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala on Saturday, January 06, 2007 at 19:15
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Hey - the hair is gorgeous and you are naomi's hero!! He did a great job - was slightly overwhelmed by the quantity of hair she had though!!

Posted by Umpalumpa on Saturday, January 06, 2007 at 20:42
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Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala

Well if you would be so kind as to take a photo of "cousin IT" when she's looking her most beautiful, I'd appreciate it, email or sms is fine, ta very much

Posted by Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala on Saturday, January 06, 2007 at 20:51

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