Wednesday, January 31, 2007
| Could I feel any worse? It's ten to sodding one in the morning technically 1st Feb. I've been a bit wired for the last few hours because despite spending a fortune and 3 hours in the hairdressers today (I like it) I've also passed an awful lot of blood - the last time about half an hour ago really scared me. Tyson has been a complete and utter GIT this last week or so bleeding more and more each day but this is the worst it's been so far. I've done relaxation, had a whisky, cried a bit, listened to music but sleep just isn't happening. As if that wasn't bad enough I just realised that my first and second babies, Alexander and Elliott would have been 15 on Sunday (they were stillborn when I was six months pregnant and identical). For the first time in 15 years I forgot their birthdays, I forgot to light a candle or go to the babies memorial garden at Wilford Hill, or the chapel where their names are in a memorial book at Pilgrim. Why? Because I'm too bloody occupied with this stupid fucking tumour. I HATE CANCER. I loved my babies and it made me forget. I called the hospital today and I should see the oncologist on 9th Feb providing they can arrange a clinic. I may start chemotherapy (likely for about 6 months) the following Monday 12th Feb - they're going to put a PICC line in my arm, just inside my elbow so they don't have to keep sticking new needles in me every couple of weeks (good job really - remember what happened at the CT scan). It's a catheter (tube) they stick in and it goes all the way up and halfway across your chest into a central vein. Goodo, they need flushing once a week so they don't get blocked - going to be a bit tricky to do myself one-handed, so any volunteers who'd like to learn how to do that for me? I may be taking warfarin too just in case of blood clots, oh and anti-sickness drugs and I'll be having some radiotherapy (so I can have random sunburn on my back just for fun). My immunity will be lower so risk of infection is increased, therefore if you have any germs of any description I don't want to be within a 10 mile radius ta! I'll be having enough of my cells killed off without having to fight off a stupid virus too!
See diagram above for PICC line and this pic of some other lucky chap's PICC line complete with beautiful bruising. Just so you don't get too scared if I'm wearing short sleeves. To celebrate the news I had half my hair chopped off just in case it thins out - easier to lose it in stages if I have to but if not. well I like it anyway! No doubt if it does fall out the hair that I've had dyed pretty colours will fall out first, as is the law of Sod. Well I think I feel better for that, I should probably go and make a milky drink or go to the loo for the umpteenth time this evening - I think two periods in three weeks was plenty but now my arse seems to want to join in too, Life is indeed a witch with a capital B (trademark Edwina Curry re: Jade;Danielle;Jo V Shilpa Shetty). It's actual Loud Tie Week this week but as I'm feeling a bit crappy this week I just wasn't up to persuading the company to support Beating Bowel Cancer. Guess I may as well work my way round the rest of the office and my old dept because if I turn up with that thing in my arm one day soon I have a feeling it may raise some eyebrows and perhaps some questions.
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distressed 
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