2007 Jan 6th - Putting on a Brave Face

Not long now
Category: Life

Ah well first week back at work is over!

New year was odd, I just couldn't face people at the party I was supposed to be at - might have managed it if Tyson hadn't been battering my lower spine all bloody day. I was up until 5.30 on Saturday I was in pain with my back, my stomach was uncomfortable but it all stopped me sleeping, every position hurt or felt wrong. I had odd thoughts about all sorts of stuff, I keep thinking of funeral songs I want on the way to work too, not because I think I'm going to die OBVIOUSLY but just because this sort of thing makes you realise if you want a choice it's best made while you're alive and kicking. I intend to be kicking for a bloody long time so get used to it!

New job is great, it's a piece of pee - I'm back with my old mates and the atmosphere is generally a bit jollier because of the team I'm in.

Also there is only one person in the office who knows what's going on and she's my line manager (and mate) so it's easier to forget, they're not used to me running off to the loo for a couple of weeks half a dozen times a day. They don't know I've had ages off sick and they haven't seen me looking too rough, though one of the managers asked me if I was ok today cos I looked very pale. He asked if I was ok, I said not really no, "should you be here then?" erm YES, but I might not be here next week that fooled him . Love playing with the normos.

Bought a leather corner suite from DFS tonight - the critical illness should cover it if it's bad, if it's not too bad but I'll still need an op sickpay should last long enough.

Got to wait three soddin months anyway so I may even be back on form by then?!

Absolutely shattered last night - worked til 7pm then had a look round furniture shops but back was killing again so just wanted to sit still on the first one I liked!

Struggled to make it til 10pm but wasn't long before I was sleeping, felt better this morning than I did the night before. Feel shite again tonight - always the same after 4 days of work no matter what I do I'm knackered.

Less than four days to wait now - feeling pretty numb about it but getting plenty of info from the Macmillan discussions - people younger, older, similar age all with the same sort of symptoms who've been there and got through it or are just ahead of me in the treatment stages.

I managed to put on a few pounds over christmas, eating but doing even less probably helps! Tyson can't have taken over yet or I'd be losing weight, since EVERY medical person I speak to asks if I've lost any weight yet. I WISH!

TFI friday anyway, on the wine and crisps and chocolate biccies since I still can, what harm can it do me now?