Friday, January 12, 2007
| Happy 14th birthday to my little girl! I went back to work on Wednesday, management being out all day it was very odd, no one in my office "knows". About half a dozen people in the company do "know". I told a couple more and I am so relieved to say everyone has taken the news very well, in that they've not made odd comments that have upset me, have offered support and practical suggestions. I've surprised myself by not breaking down yet. I just wanted another couple of days in my new job getting to grips with it takes my mind off things, before I tell too many people. I know there's bound to be the odd one or two who treat me like a leper or like I have a something they'll catch if they come near me so I just needed the rest of this week to let things sink in before that happens. My poor mate and boss A is having a crap time and now she's got a bigger stress on her shoulders with this news, I wanted to work for her again because we worked well together before and I knew I could just "get amongst things" and make her life easier quite quickly, now this? Thursday she was back in, with tales of upset about me, supportive comments about me - ones I didn't expect. I don't like attention at the best of times, but this isn't just about me is it, cancer affects everyone connected with the patient (me, patient? that's a joke in itself!) but it does help to hear, I'm still feeling oddly calm - don't get me wrong I am in tears in the car when I'm alone, I cry every night but I'm holding it together the rest of the time. I was feeling positively perky and joining in with the office banter, wandered into town with A at lunchtime and damn me I started going blind in Dorothy Perkins, no, it wasn't due to high prices or lurid patterns, just a sodding migraine. Luckily I have my superstrength, only just available over the counter medicine, popped a pill and meandered back to work to wait for my sight to come back in my right eye. Hardly surprising really, after the stress of the wait for diagnosis, now I'm on a path of action that bit is over. Managed to get home before the "head being crushed in a vice" pain really took hold, and slept til 8pm. I downloaded yet another relaxation recording which did the trick and I got another 8 hours sleep! I reckon I'm still four hours down this week though and my head is still banging (shouldn't be on here at all, but it's the weekend soon) and my back also hurts quite a bit today. Today is Friday, my little girl not having got the best birthday present (mum tells her she has cancer, she's taking it rather well, odd tears but not sure she has grasped the full extent, information on a need to know/requested basis) is 14. I got up and offered breakfast in bed, not interested - like me doesn't like food first thing, though I'm forcing something down most days. Her present, as expected has not arrived, typical! I really couldn't face the drive to the bus stop so (sue me if ya like what do I care) I suggested maybe she didn't feel well enough to go to school, which I think made up for the lack of big pressie! She got back into her PJs as ordered and I sat on her bed (a double bed courtesy of Auntie Beccy, hello Auntie Beccy!) whilst she opened little pressies from me and mum, postie not arrived yet but she was giggly and pleased with what she has - I think the fact that she gets to stay in bed as long as she likes and I thought we could order in pizza later might make up for not having friends round....... I hope. Secretly I wanted her to stay at home so we can spend a bit of time together, it's all been about me for so long, she's been great, when I was feeling my worst - getting home after struggling through the day at work and collapsing on the sofa, she cooked every night. She puts the washing out to dry and sorts the dishwasher when I can't face it, the bending aggravates Tyson and it's amazing how much bending you do with every appliance being below waist level! I'm in favour of tea with lemon instead of milk, not just because I like it but I don't need to bend down to get the milk out! PLJ is in a higher cupboard - genius! I should ring the school, I should do a lot of things but I just can't be bothered. I'm having a duvet day! Also I'm still ill from the migraine and oh hang on a second I have cancer! I keep hearing the advice I got after the biopsy, rest, don't push yourself, eat well, work and money aren't the be all and end all. And again the stoma care nurse said on Tuesday, rest, save whatever energy you can for the treatment and surgery ahead, so I guess I'll just have a long weekend and do as I'm told. Have made some new friends on MacMillan, fellow under forties all fobbed off with stress, gynae problems, horrific symptoms not taken seriously because we're all TOO YOUNG. Horrendous considering as one of them pointed out, the money spent catching bowel cancer early is nothing compared to surgery and drug costs for treating it when it's got this far. I'm sure I'll come up with some way of making some noise about it even if it's only local. As mum has now "written a letter" they'd better take notice or have us all to deal with. Suppose I should get up for a bit, K is up and about now having had a lie in....and I think I heard the postman!
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