2011 20th November - Mini Post

I've spent a few days with Hayley, which seemed like a few hours but redone my will, found a burial site and pushed myself a bit more.

My first will was signed the day before admission to hospital for my major op to remove three tumours, my rectum etc etc. My children were 12 & 14 and I put everything in trust until they were 21. Now they're nearly 17 & 19 and I've been able to talk to them about what I think is best to with the house, money, I know what sort of adults they are turning into. I've changed the executors, since the original 3 have all remarried and moved some changes were necessary anyway!

It's a big relief to make my burial wishes clear - I only want my younger sister and children plus a few proper friends to have the opportunity to speak at my service - a civil one with a celebrant - those few people who I think know me best and have earned the right. This may seem harsh but having had a distant estranged relationship with both natural parents, one of whom I just managed to outlive, they don't know me, my feelings, my life. I don't want anyone weeping and wailing, being over dramatic. The service is for my children and those very few people who have stuck by me and been a real help these last few years, or who were there for me in the past though we may have grown apart, still care. If I'm arranging it and paying for it (upfront or from my estate) I bloody well expect my wishes to be upheld!

The site is a calm, serene, picturesque place with nothing but fields, trees and wild flowers visible till you spot the ground plaques. I'm sorry to the man whose bench I collapsed on and threw up next to when we arrived - effects of dural puncture take longer to kick in and are milder but still apparent.

I needed this few days with Hayley.for lots of reasons. I think she needed them for different ones. I'm glad she gave up precious time with her babies, I know more than most how precious they are.