I've been collecting hugs this week and saving them up in my head for when they're less prolific.
Saturday Mike was over (distracting me from my hole punching and sorting out of paperwork by being too interesting) and he's a good hugger, being a man and unusually taller than me - always a bonus.
Sunday I got some hugs from the boss's mum (also director) but the visit was unexpected and given my current distress about the whole work situation (signed off for 3 months now to start with) not particularly welcome. I hope it was all well meant but although the reason for the visit was "to help me" she said so many things that just increased my emotional pain. I have no place in my life for anyone who makes me feel anything less than good.
I have "pushed everyone away" especially my family and my children apparently and therefore "need" company and offers of help. I shouldn't have gone to work for a friend. Anyone can tell by looking at me that I am ill. My life was made difficult for the last three weeks at work "because you were miserable Lisa". To top it off, she'd not been to see me in the office for weeks because "I can't bear to see you like this". My response was initially when I began sobbing to request she leave my house - but since that didn't happen I pointed out I'd clearly done them a favour by staying away since I make their lives so miserable.
I still want to believe that everything was well meant. To turn up unannounced on a Sunday (I was just coming downstairs having just got up) and tell me what is wrong with me, what I'm doing wrong and to be made to feel the bad guy in the whole situation - is that the way to go about it? I tried the obvious shock tactic of "which bit of I have cancer and I'm dying are you two struggling to accept?" (Whenever I use those phrases I am only referring to my medically diagnosed situation - you know my personal opinion on the matter). I was immediately on the defensive since I expected her to be trying to persuade me to go back and work some days - since the impending wedding has left them short staffed for cover in the office. However she assured me "no-one is indispensable - we won't have any trouble replacing you".
I got the impression they thought I'd deliberately gone off sick now to cause trouble. The real fact being my stress levels reached a peak after finding out my appointment to discuss treatment was to be moved to a time when I would be unable to attend (due to there being no cover for me at work). That and the dawning realisation that any treatment I have would depend on taking time off and he is so unapproachable on that subject and makes me know how inconvenient it is every time I have to have a scan, oncology or GP appointment. I have already delayed urology appointments till October because of the boss's wedding and I'm damned if I'm missing any more for work. More to the point, I have every right to take time off work just to absorb the impact of my situation - apart from going home at 11am the day I got the news, I have had NO time off for such things. I've carried on, and they know this, because I could not afford to be on SSP. At no point has anyone asked if I can cope with my duties, if they can make things easier, if I need extra breaks. In fact I have been left alone increasingly having to be polite to customers and suppliers and delivery drivers as if everything is just bloody fantastic. All the time being treated like a thorn in the side by those leaving me to it. Is that how they would want to be treated? Aside from the fact that will never be in my situation (with money worries and having to ask favours just to attend medical appointments). I spend the best part of 4 working days alone, because I live alone and I tire so quickly I then spend most of those evenings alone too. The phone calls I get are tiring. I go to bed as most people are just sitting down to relax after eating dinner and doing the dishes. Is that conducive to my recovery?
Well that is all in the past now. As I said, I've been collecting hugs.
Monday - Susie and her mum and baby Robert - I got to hold him (baby cuddles are priceless) almost the entire time they were here, fed him and changed a nappy. I love babies! It's a special thing to spend time with small babies. They just have the essence of life about them, unspoilt by the world and all it's negative aspects. They just need their basic needs met, plenty of cuddles and conversation. I think he probably zapped a lung tumour all on his own yesterday. I got lovely soft jumpered Susie hugs too, I might try and steal that jumper! Beckie popped in to bring my night lights (scented and some to kill flies) and hand cream/manicure stuff so I got a tiny little (but in so many ways much bigger than me right now) hug.
I had virtual hugs over the phone from Hayley - she'll probably be pouting reading this that she can't also give physical ones (she's short but also gives good hugs - bit like handshakes, you can judge a person by the quality of the hug I reckon).
I had to pop to fetch my HRT from the surgery and then pay a visit to the bank feeling still a bit queasy. I was physically ill again this morning - just the 3am apple I ate (won't do that again).
Nuclear medicine rang me too - finally the World Radioisotope situation is resolving itself. Scan is booked for Wednesday 15th at 13:30 for the injection, wander round (hopefully with Lisa in a less distressing visit than last time) shops and then back at 16:00 for the scan.
My "rock" came to visit for a couple of hours in the evening. Not seen him for a while (i.e. more than a week) since we had some issues that needed sorting out. He has the special sort of hug that just makes everything alright, the sort you can't get from other friends or family. The sort that lowers my blood pressure instantly. The sort I crave as soon as it's ended. The sort I really would prefer to be getting from someone who feels the same way, but: be grateful for what you have. This is as good as it can be and therefore that's enough.
This morning the district nurse rang from the surgery. They do monthly visits (if you want them to) for people in my situation (and presumably other chronic illnesses). She's coming on Thursday. So - how the hell am I supposed to fit work in anyway?
I'm going to do my yoga, meditation and then get on with some repairs and alterations to a few of the clothes I can't bear to get rid off just because they are two sizes too big now. There may also be some "squashy sofa in the conservatory with a book and green tea" action going on later.
Try to make at least 3 people smile today - beginning with yourself.