Friday, 22 January 2010

2010 Jan 22nd - Someone doesn't like me much do they?

Well, I'm guessing my recent anonymous poster is someone I know?

I have a shortlist of who I think it is based on the poor spelling and grammar. Whoever it is must be:

Of low intelligence - it's "you're", "mum", "doesn't", "you", "about", "whinging" and "fucking". If you want to abbreviate Facebook then I'll let that one go. I can't be bothered to correct your sentence construction.

Incorrect - husbands leave wives (or their girlfriends shag their mate's ex husband when they're mid reconciliation and then leave their own live in boyfriend of 10 years). My daughter didn't leave me, she moved house. She moved because the travelling and lack of sufficient sleep was making us both crabby and she's much happier back in the town where most of her friends are and being 13 miles closer to college. We just spent a lovely day together on Sunday which, presumably you would know since you are such an authority on my life.

Cowardly - maybe if you were honest about who you are I might do you the courtesy of refusing any future treatment or topping myself this weekend, lets just hope if your attempt at bullying does tip me over the edge, your IP address isn't recorded by Google. It's not big and it's not clever is it?

Misinformed - surely the only person who knows how I feel about my children, is in fact, me? How you perceive what your tiny brain seems to have put together is entirely your opinion, but still wrong. My son doesn't care about me, I still contact him in vain to let him know how I feel - unless someone is intercepting his post then he is aware of this. He chose to stop contact with me whilst I was just out of hospital and still suffering from withdrawl symptoms of some serious drugs that you are told NOT to suddenly cease due to the dangerous and unpleasant withdrawl syptoms. I don't know exactly why he reached his limit of watching me being ill and suffering for over two years at that point, but it might have something to do with his father making up lies about why we split up a decade before - I still don't understand why anyone with their kids' best interests would deliberately bad mouth someone still recovering from cancer, much less deliberately alienate children from their mother when she's at her lowest point. Hey ho, that's probably why I left him.

Deluded - do you really think that I'm going to stop writing my blog because you don't like it? How exactly would you like me to drop dead, shall I shoot myself, or perhaps you'd like to do that? There are few ways to "drop" dead and usually it's from sudden things that cannot be brought about on purpose. Do feel free to enlighten me.

Creative - given the security settings on my Facebook profile I know that you can't know what I'm writing on there unless you're on my friend list. But since you hate me so much, you wouldn't have me on your friend list would you?

Unlucky - unless my latest scan shows I've got more cancer instead of a urethral stricture then I don't think I'm going to be dying soon.

Bitter? Maybe you should think about why you felt the need to post that comment, which I decided to publish since I'm feeling pretty good right now and it's always nice to get a different perspective on things. Is there something really wrong in your own life that you have to have a go at me? Or do you actually want to talk to me, but are still too angry to do it in a grown up way? Whatever, I hope you aren't causing yourself an ulcer with all this hate, hate eats you up inside worse than any cancer. Why don't you just spend time with people who like you and stop reading things you don't like, it's a bit like turning the TV over if you don't like a programme.

Thursday, 7 January 2010

2010 Jan 7th - PS

I forgot to mention, the relationship thing - didn't work out. No surprise there really, I'm rubbish at relationships. Maybe I'm being hard on myself - he just wasn't "the one" for me. I gave it three months but my feelings waned and it was clear we both felt differently. It's unusual for me to the be one ending things, but the recent death of a friend's father (terminally ill with prostate cancer spread to his bones) made me have a rethink. I can't spend my time with someone I don't really care about that much - however "nice" he is. I certainly won't be with someone just for the sake of it or to ease the loneliness. I'm happy just appreciating what I have which is a very simple, uneventful but reasonable existance in what is essentially good health.

2010 Jan 7th - Seeing the plumber

So today, after only a couple of months waiting I had to brave the road to Lincoln (about 35 miles - single carriageway and unlit for the most part. The journey there wasn't bad at all, and I arrived early enough to buy a £5 body warmer with fur trimmed hood from "thatstorethatknocksoutcheapclothescosthey'remadeinsweatshopsandergopoliticallyincorrect". Figured it was essential.

It was my first return visit in nearly 3 years to Lincoln - where I had five weeks of daily radiation concurrent with 7 weeks of 24/7 chemo. This is particularly relevant since general consensus is that radiation is the main contributing factor to my current waterworks problem (i.e. flow should be 15-18ml/second but is a maximum of 2ml second now and decreasing).

I was the only patient in clinic 4 and pretty much went straight through to the consulting room to wait to meet the plumber.

Mr Urologist (I'm going to call him Uri because I think he could have been Russian) was reading my referral letter (with case history) out loud to a student in the adjoining office as is usual - and at the end he added "this is a disaster, she is very young (not as young as me *chuckle* I'm just a baby but 1970).....she is still only in her thirties". Nice to get some recognition instead of being told how "lucky" I am even if he didn't realise I could hear.

They came through and introduced themselves (don't ask me their actual names - in one ear and then lost forever). Once I told him I'd gone through an instant menopause at 36 when I had the radiation and was therefore now on HRT until I'm about 50, he raised his eyebrows. He seems to think that the radiation combined with the change in oestrogen levels has caused the stricture. He is worried about the effects on my kidneys (with existing scarring from years of repeated UTIs so am I) so was going to order a scan. How fortuitous then, that I am having my 3 year post surgery scan 6 months early on Saturday. My kidneys will be covered on that.

Firstly I have a prescription for "local" oestrogens for 3 months. In the meantime I'll be on the waiting list for surgery, well a surgical procedure. He said I can have a general or a local anaesthetic but with a local - more pain. I told them that after having a 10 inch scar and four hours in surgery for a TME I reckon I can handle the pain if only it means I get this sorted quicker. He hopes it will only be 2 to 3 weeks waiting. The procedure is expected to last for up to 2 years and then will likely recurr. A urology nurse will show me how to self catheterise (basically putting a tube in my wee hole *cringe* weekly) to try and prevent this.

Of course this all depends on the results of my scan but all things point to the initial diagnosis being correct so still no fear that there's anything else malignant causing a blockage.

I met up with the lovely Susie and her eldest Becky for a pub dinner (steak and chips for a fiver ta very much) afterwards but my Beechams at lunch was wearing off so instead of having a cheeky half pint of beer when Susie ordered a bottle of wine - I had a hot water with a spoon for my next dose :( .

The drive home was a bit hairy - it was OK but the traffic was driving at a sensible 40mph since the roads were all white and the verges were all white and the fields...........well you can guess. It was very fine and compacted fresh snow. We slowed to a modest 20mph for a few miles but I got home in one piece with the compulsory slide into my road - with only one set of tyre marks on it already.

I shall keep you informed!