Tuesday, 24 January 2012

2012 24th January - Acceptance

I can't do the stairs any more.

Today at 12.30 I woke to a sandwich in foil, a mug of tea, my DN Nikki with the TV on.  Bit disoriented to say the least.  She'd been once, not wanted to wake me so gone off to do another call and do everything she need to do before coming back.  Told her to wake me next time.  Mentioned the inhaler and then got onto the bed which I'd been adamant I didn't want.  However, my plans are skeletal and open to change and the longer I stay in the house the better.

If I can't do the stairs I have two choices, going into hospice (my preferred is in the four bed Tulip Suite in Spalding and never come home.  Or try having a bed in the living room and commode. I can't bear to leave my house after just a week so the bed arrives Thursday and Maurice & Sue have been to move the sideboard and table & chairs into the conservatory - not quite conservatory weather yet.

The Day Before

Yesterday I went to the loo which is a 10' walk to the kitchen, same again through another door and then the loo door.  I collapse in a heap on the toilet frame seat, have to stand up to flush it because it's stupidly stiff and do my zip.  I stood again to get the walker and made my way back through to the living room.  I got as far as the kitchen door and had to push the 3 wheeler away and lunge for the sofa to try and catch my breath.  It was the scariest feeling,  I couldn't breathe, felt faint but managed not to panic and after a few minutes was up to moving to my sofa, the furthest, but with all my electric cables for laptop, iphone and tablet.

I phoned St Barnabas who said to ring GP for a phone visit. I got Beckie to ring from working because of my lack of voice.  She was told to call me again when she was with me and wait til they called back.  GP came around 2.30pm and talked though options.  We deccided to try an inhaler with a spacer.  He also suggested a fan so I need to fan shopping on line and a need a new smaller round coffee table now I need a hoofing great bed in here the furniture needs to squash  up a bit.

I have letters to write, my final message for Ketton Park and a few other things to sort out but nothing desperately important to me.  Just seeing people and enjoying things.  My body might be weak but it's not falling to pieces yet.  Nor is my mind.

I'm having to accept a lot now but I know it's for the best. There's no point fighting what's happening. I shall just continue to issue instructions from the bed or sofa!


Fiona said...

Hope things are ok Lisa

Anonymous said...

Hi Lisa,
I'm staring at the screen trying to figure out what to say.

I don't know you, and you don't know me. I work in cancer research and found your blog this way. I've been reading through it the past few days, every time ending up in awe in your strength, your humour and your take on things. Nobody deserves all you've gone through, and you seem to carry on so gracefully, and through such beautiful writing.

I thank you for giving me a different perspective; a reminder to appreciate life and to not let petty things bother me so much. We have to see the bigger picture, and be thankful for the life we have.

You've touched the lives of so many with your blog. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Take care, Lisa.


Tony Songhurst said...

Hope you continue to enjoy those sofas...Tony xx

Loopy said...

Sadly not, personally, since the bed arrived, I can't move from it, the commode proved too much today. But the kids can have one each, just need to sort layout now with the bed in here

Fiona said...

Phew, glad to see a post from you. Was worried there!

Hope those District Nurses got you a nice comfy mattress for the bed.

Tony Songhurst said...

Sorry to hear that Lisa, I do so hope your pain remains under control.

How is the food situation, are you/they managing to feed you decent meals like in the hospice. I guess the meals are under your control as they are what you shop on-line for.

Much Love

Tony x

Anonymous said...

Dear Lisa,
I've been following your blog for about a year; my husband has Stage 4 colon cancer and I was looking for perspectives on how he might be feeling.
But now I'm concerned about how you are feeling - I do hope you're able to stay in your lovely house with your children around for as long as you wish.

Debby said...

Your courage will be something that inspires your children for all the rest of their lives.

Loopy said...

Thank you for all your kind posts. I don't know when things are going to get really bad, it feels like now I'm confined to bed I can only lie here and be online. Lately I've been too tired to even respond to do that (including comments here)

Loopy said...

Thank you for all your kind posts. I don't know when things are going to get really bad, it feels like now I'm confined to bed I can only lie here and be online. Lately I've been too tired to even respond to do that (including comments here)

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you Lisa. Funny how someone you have never met in person can touch your life so deeply. Wished there was more this earth could do for you. I am glad you are able to be home. I check by here daily to see how you are. Violet

suze said...

Is there no-one there who can tell us what is happening ... bless you Lisa ... cannot stop thinking about you xxxx