2012 24th January - Acceptance

I can't do the stairs any more.

Today at 12.30 I woke to a sandwich in foil, a mug of tea, my DN Nikki with the TV on.  Bit disoriented to say the least.  She'd been once, not wanted to wake me so gone off to do another call and do everything she need to do before coming back.  Told her to wake me next time.  Mentioned the inhaler and then got onto the bed which I'd been adamant I didn't want.  However, my plans are skeletal and open to change and the longer I stay in the house the better.

If I can't do the stairs I have two choices, going into hospice (my preferred is in the four bed Tulip Suite in Spalding and never come home.  Or try having a bed in the living room and commode. I can't bear to leave my house after just a week so the bed arrives Thursday and Maurice & Sue have been to move the sideboard and table & chairs into the conservatory - not quite conservatory weather yet.

The Day Before


Yesterday I went to the loo which is a 10' walk to the kitchen, same again through another door and then the loo door.  I collapse in a heap on the toilet frame seat, have to stand up to flush it because it's stupidly stiff and do my zip.  I stood again to get the walker and made my way back through to the living room.  I got as far as the kitchen door and had to push the 3 wheeler away and lunge for the sofa to try and catch my breath.  It was the scariest feeling,  I couldn't breathe, felt faint but managed not to panic and after a few minutes was up to moving to my sofa, the furthest, but with all my electric cables for laptop, iphone and tablet.

I phoned St Barnabas who said to ring GP for a phone visit. I got Beckie to ring from working because of my lack of voice.  She was told to call me again when she was with me and wait til they called back.  GP came around 2.30pm and talked though options.  We deccided to try an inhaler with a spacer.  He also suggested a fan so I need to fan shopping on line and a need a new smaller round coffee table now I need a hoofing great bed in here the furniture needs to squash  up a bit.

I have letters to write, my final message for Ketton Park and a few other things to sort out but nothing desperately important to me.  Just seeing people and enjoying things.  My body might be weak but it's not falling to pieces yet.  Nor is my mind.

I'm having to accept a lot now but I know it's for the best. There's no point fighting what's happening. I shall just continue to issue instructions from the bed or sofa!